On The Outside

Mid-dialogue between me and a Chinese man, aged to be my father, at dinner last night:

“Your Chinese is great, but even if you study our culture for many years, you still won’t be able to understand it.”
“Is that good?”
“Well, China has a 5,000 year history”
“Yes, China’s history is very long”
“For example, sometimes when I say ‘you speak Chinese so well,’ I really mean it. But sometimes when I say ‘you speak Chinese so well,’ I mean that as an insult.”
“How should I know the difference?”
“Even if you study for many years, you won’t be able to understand it.”
“Ok…well, what’s your meaning right now? Are you willing to tell me that?”
“Just look into my eyes and drink beer, then you’ll know. Bottoms up!”

This conversation isn’t necessarily unique in terms of content or attitude of the person I’m speaking with, but lately I’ve been keeping my eyes especially wide and ears especially open for insights into patterns of Chinese behavior and thinking. Perhaps this guy was just drunk, but the words coming out of his mouth conform to an opinion and outlook that I believe most Chinese maintain, i.e., China’s history is too long and culture too rich for an outsider to fully understand. If you’re not Chinese, then you’re ultimately from an outside land and you speak an outside language. Clues to this attitude can be found in the words Chinese people use, e.g., 外国人 (literally: outside country person) and 外语 (literally: outside speech). While I wouldn’t describe China as an extremely “in-out” culture like that of Korea’s, the longer I stay here, the more I realize that I will never fully integrate into this society. No matter how good my language gets, no matter whether or not I can tolerate spicy food and eat with chopsticks, and no matter how much I understand, or conform to traditional standards of etiquette, I will always be a 老外 (literally: old outsider). Being non-Chinese will always be my master status in China. This is at times very frustrating, but it's very important to realize. If you understand the way people see you, you can be more efficient in navigating your relationship with them. So perhaps I should learn to drop my expectations of other people and just embrace the identity I’m given. After all, there are worse things than being a foreigner in China.