Sokushinbutsu

“The Baddest Man on the Planet” is a title in pop-culture that, as far as I know, was originally given to Mike Tyson back in the 90s. But ever since that fateful day when a monkey magically morphed into a human being many hundreds of thousands of years ago, there has always been a baddest man on the planet. That’s just the way this superlative works; even if he’s not that bad, somebody has got to be the baddest. Not until recently, however, with globalization and the media and whatnot, have any of us been able to make any credible assertion as to who that man is (the baddest woman on the planet is a topic for another day). There has simply been no real venue for comparison. Today, however, most people who know anything about mixed martial arts (MMA) would agree that Fedor Emelianenko holds the rights to this coveted deed. “The Last Emperor” as he’s known to fans, critics and opponents alike – whose brother Aleksander also fights and is a self-proclaimed thief-in-law (probably the coolest thing of all time…for your own sake, please click the wiki link here) – maintains a professional fighting record of 29-1. His only loss came 8 years ago just seconds into the first round by way of an illegal elbow that caused a nasty cut and unstoppable bleeding. Fedor no doubt was good to go, but the rules of the league he was fighting in at the time gave the win to his chunky, undistinguished competitor. He has not lost since. This is a mind-blowing feat, especially in a sport where one punch, one kick, or even one wrong turn of the head can land you a devastating loss. Golf has Tiger, basketball has Jordan, hockey has Gretzky and MMA has Fedor. Clearly, I’m a big fan of this guy. You can watch any one of the countless highlights or tributes to him on YouTube. Here are links to a good highlight reel, an analysis of his greatness, and a documentary.

For those of you who might not yet appreciate the awesomeness of nearly no-holds-barred fighting, below is an introduction to some of the greatest professional fights of all-time. First up is a double-header. The man you need to be paying attention to is Keith Hackney. He earned the nickname “The Giant Killer” by taking down the largest athlete to ever compete in any sport in the history of mankind (excluding perhaps some participant in an International Federation of Competitive Eating event). The man’s name is Emanuel Yarbrough and he weighed well over 600 pounds at the time of the fight. The second fight posted below is between Hackney and Joe “Balls of Steel” Son. Why the bizarre nickname? Watch for yourself and see, but please note that this sport has evolved a great deal since the mid-90s and this kind of madness is no longer allowed.





There are several mixed martial arts leagues around the world, with the Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC) being the most popular, at least in America. There is also Affliction, Pancrase, Strikeforce, and World Extreme Cagefighting to name a few others. In the video below, you will see a fight between a four-time K-1 World Champion (Note: While the combat sport of K-1 is not considered MMA, it’s vicious. K-1 was the first organization to broadcast a kickboxing tournament on TV all the way back in 1993) and a former offensive lineman. This is a fight of astonishing technical ability versus monstrous strength. Who wins?

Part 1


Part 2


The last fight I’m going to post is not only my favorite, but it’s recognized by many to be the greatest fight in the history of mixed martial arts. Just open a bag of pretzels and a beer and enjoy.



Clearly, the current competition for the baddest man on the planet is pretty stiff. But what about before Fedor Emelianenko? Well, there were a few people who never engaged in a fight broadcast on television, but certainly were – while still alive – in the running for the most bad dudes around. They were Buddhist monks called Sokushinbutsu and they practiced self-mummification. This was a process that apparently lasted for 3,000 days and undoubtedly brought untold pain and terrible suffering to its practitioners. To take an excerpt from this webpage here, the process went something like this:

For the first 1,000 day period the monk adopted a strict diet that consisted of only small amounts of soba (buckwheat) dough and walnuts, hazelnuts, and nutmeg…[this reduced] body fat dramatically. In the second 1,000 day period…only bark and the roots of pine tree were ingested…body fat [was] reduced to nothingness…Nearing the end of the second 1,000 day period, the monk drank tea made from the juice of the Urushi, or Japanese Varnish tree. A caustic, extremely toxic sap—even its vapor can cause a rash—it is usually used to make a highly durable coating for Chinese and Japanese lacquerware. Drinking the tea caused the monk to vomit, perspire and urinate extensively, further reducing the fluids in his body, as well as causing a large build-up of poisons…[Then] the third and final stage in the process: “When the priests were near death, stone shelters were constructed three meters underground. The priests were then put into wooden coffins and buried in the shelters with only a bamboo tube for air. In the coffins the priests continued their ascetic practices, sitting in meditation, reciting mantras, and maintaining their strict diet.” Entombed in his subterranean chamber with only bark and roots to eat and a bell to signal their continued existence to the other monks, the initiate waited for death.

I can barely go 4 hours without eating a meal and I’m even less capable of going a couple months without a real American hamburger. Back a couple hundred years ago, these guys may well have been the baddest on the planet.